Someone You'd Like to Kill Someday
by fasterassembly
Summary: Osaka's looking for an adventure, Yukari's spying on Nyamo's date, and everyone's a pawn in the game of life.


_Notes_: I've always loved AzuDai, but never took a shot at writing it until now.

Formatting's a pain as usual. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. I'm normally not so peculiar about line breaks, but comprehension for this fic seems to demand separation between skits.

Please enjoy.

* * *

**Wonder One**

"Haha," Osaka says. "It's winter break."

"… Mm," says Sakaki.

"We can have an adventure!" Osaka says. "Fer example, we could go lookin' for the Seven Wonders of the neighborhood or somethin'."

"…"

"Yeah, fer example: how'd you get so tall?"

"… That's... but…"

o

**One Wonders…**

"Naw, I'm just yanking your chain," Osaka says.

"Ah," Sakaki says.

Osaka's eyes appear, for a moment, to focus on a distant point on the horizon.

Then she asks, "So where'd you find the spring of tallness, anyway?"

o

**Wonder Number Two?**

"… Maybe we should go look for something else," says Sakaki. Osaka and Tomo were attending the same college, so theoretically, Tomo was somewhere in the neighborhood. And if Tomo was in the area, then Yomi couldn't be too far behind.

"Haha."

"Where did you hear about these… seven wonders?"

"Haha… You know those things you see on cereal boxes?"

"What?"

o

**Wondering One More Wonder**

"At least," Sakaki says, "you should know one more wonder, right…?"

'I always did want to know…"

Her eyes focus somewhere far away again.

… There's something Sakaki is missing, but she can't place what, exactly.

o

**Blunder?**

"Osaka-san…?"

"Hey, Sakaki-san, what do you think America is like?"

o

**The Question Without Answer**

"America…"

"Yeah, America. D'you think everyone there's real tall? 'Cause Chiyo-chan says that everything in America's real big, y'know? Maybe if we took everything in Japan and made it really big, it'd be like America."

"… I think… it might be more complex than that."

"Y'think so?"

o

**Just to Be Sure…**

Sakaki thinks. Then she nods. Yes, she does think so.

"Yeah, I guess you're right," Osaka says. "Everyone speaks English there, don't they?"

o

**Two Languages Separated by a Common Person**

"HAAAH!" Yukari says, barging into the conversation. "WHO SAYS YOU NEED TO SPEAK ENGLISH IN AMERICA?"

"Wha—"

"No one in America speaks English, anyway! They all speak Spanish and Chinese and Italian!"

"Because of the mob, right, Yukari-sensei?"

"That's exactly right!"

"But you've never been to America, have you, Yukari-sensei?"

"That's beside the point!"

o

**In English, do they speak American?**

"Why bother going to America?" says Yukari. "You kids might be in college now, but sooner or later, you'll learn what everyone learns! A degree is completely worthless!"

"But didn't we have this conversation before, when Chiyo-chan—"

"Worthless! Absolutely worthless! I can't even talk to Americans unless they're from Japan!"

o

**So That's How It Is…?**

"Ohh," Osaka says. "That makes perfect sense!"

"Eh?" Sakaki and Yukari say at the same time.

"Sakaki-san… She's an American from Japan!"

o

**The Inner Osaka Mind Theater**

Theoretically, Japan is in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. So it's impossible for an American to come to Japan.

But, if you spin the world around fast enough, all the water flies into the clouds and gives you somewhere you can walk on.

"Oh my god!" Osaka says. "We're all going to drown!"

o

**Internal Logic**

"Oh, it was just a dream," Osaka says, putting a hand to her chest. "Thank goodness, I thought it might be real."

"Mhmm," says Sakaki.

"Where did Yukari-sensei go?"

"… She said… that she heard Tomo…"

"… Tomo…"

"Mmm."

"… So does that mean we're alone now?"

"… Until they come back."

o

**Concentration?**

"Okay, I'm gonna concentrate," Osaka says. "Chiyo-chan's always tellin' me to focus my mind when I get some alone time, so I'm gonna try real hard now!"

"… But…"

o

**The Osaka Inner Mind Theater, Part 2**

Americans… they have to get to Japan somehow, even if they're already from Japan. Which makes real good sense, see, because Sakaki-san _is_ right over there. Wow, she sure does look real tall…

If she's American, when she flies back home, does she fly back on an eagle or a plane?

o

**Turbulence**

"Madam President!" the pilot says. "The eagle sees a fish below! Should we go left or right?"

"W-w-w-what am I d-d-d-doing in here?" Chiyo cries.

o

**Intervention**

Like a bullet! Like a train! Like an air train! Sakaki! Coming in for rescue! Flying faster than an eagleplane, she swoops in and rescues the hapless Chiyo-chan! Bridal style! Frontal style! Backwards style! Calligraphy!

Osaka's forgotten what you call it exactly, but Sakaki's holding Chiyo.

o

**Clark Kent, Meet Lois Lane**

"Sakaki-san!" Chiyo says.

"Yes?" Sakaki says, the light catching in her hair and eyelashes.

"Sakaki-san!"

"Yes?"

"Sakaki-san!"

"… um… you're pretty heavy, so if you could let me put you down…"

o

**Vacancy**

"There you are, Sakaki!" Yomi says, sighing with relief. "Tomo and I ran into Yukari-sensei and—"

She stops when she sees Osaka clinging off of Sakaki's arm.

"What exactly is going on here?" she asks.

"… I'm… an airplane, I think," Sakaki says.

o

**The Same Old, The Same Old**

"Well, okay, then," Yomi says, recognizing the futility of trying to understand what's going on mid-scene when Osaka's around. "How have you been, anyway? How's Maya?"

"… Fine," Sakaki says.

"That's good."

"Tomo?"

Yomi scowls.

"… Ah."

o

**Hell is People**

"You'd think that going to college an hour away from her would keep her out of my life," Yomi says.

On cue, Tomo wraps an arm around Yomi's shoulders and cackles, "Some people you can't get rid of that easy, hahaha—rrgh, Yomi, I can't breathe—"

"Why can't you just die already?"

o

**Intervention, Part 2**

"Sure must be nice to have friends like that," Osaka comments.

Tomo's face turns blue.

"Ah," Sakaki says. "… Are you sure…?"

"Yeah," Osaka says serenely as Tomo goes limp. "I hope me and you can be friends like that, too."

"Maybe… maybe we shouldn't."

o

**Just On Time**

"Sorry I'm late!" Kagura says, running over to the rest of the group. "I got on the wrong transfer and—"

Tomo and Yomi are both wheezing on the ground, red marks on both their throats.

Sakaki looks over to Kagura and says, "…"

"You didn't even know I was coming, did you?" Kagura says.

"…"

"… Well, I'm here now, so hi!"

o

**Getting the Band Back Together**

"Too bad Chiyo-chan couldn't make it," says Kagura. "She's not off until Easter, right?"

"Exactly," Tomo says.

"You don't even know what Easter is," Yomi says.

"Sure I do," says Tomo. "It's that holiday where everyone comes back from the dead and stuff."

o

**In Translation**

"… Don't you mean Obon?"

"Don't overestimate the powers of my guessing!"

"No one's ever going to do that."

o

**The Point**

"Anyway," Yomi says, "we'll just have to meet her when she comes back for the summer. Has anyone contacted her recently?"

Sakaki nods her head in affirmation.

"She sent me a post," Osaka says. "I brought it with me." She reaches into her pocket and then blanches. "Oh no! I fergot about it entirely!"

Tomo grins, and reaches into her pocket. Then she laughs and says, "Crap, I lost the card I stole from you, too!"

o

**The Point!**

"You stole it from me?" Osaka asks.

"Yup," Tomo says. "Just in case you lost it."

"But—but—that ain't right!"

"It was a perfect plan! I'd watch you freak out and get all nervy and then do the big reveal—boom! It was in my hand all along!"

o

**Critical Error**

"But you lost it, too!"

"Uh," Tomo says.

Osaka glowers at Tomo and says, "So you ain't any good, either."

"H-hey!"

"I wish you'd go drown in the ocean with the rest of Japan!"

"Wh—what?"

o

**The Point?**

"Ah, but I'll be all right," says Osaka. "Because Sakaki-san's an airplane."

"… I'm an airplane," Sakaki says, sounding more bewildered than anything else.

"So," Kagura says, "was there anything important in the postcard or what?"

"Naw, it was all just a fancy picture of some statue."

o

**The Secret Lives of Teachers**

"Yukari-sensei sure looks busy over there," Yomi says, watching Yukari sneak around some shrubs.

"I was wonderin'—" Osaka begins.

"No," Yomi says. Then her brow crinkles. "It couldn't be..."

"Ooooh," Tomo says. "Nyamo-chan's on a date!"

o

**The Non-Branching Family Shrub **

"It could be her brother," Kagura says. "Doesn't she have two of them?"

"If it were her brother, then why would Yukari-baby be following her?" Tomo says.

"Maybe Yukari-sensei likes Nyamo-sensei's brother," says Kagura.

"But isn't that incestuous?" Osaka says.

"I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way."

o

**007**

"Yukari-baby!" Tomo cries, careening into Yukari.

"Ssh!" Yukari hisses, stuffing her hand over Tomo's mouth. "Can't you see I'm trying to spy on someone here?"

"Oh, so you're ispying/i," says Osaka. "Like James Bond."

"That does sound pretty cool," Yukari says. "All right, you can be number six!"

o

**006**

"Why six?" Osaka says.

"Six is less than seven," Yukari says. "And the newest model is always the best."

"So what does that make me?" Tomo says.

"Zero," Yukari says.

"H-hey! I got at least a fifty on the last test you gave me!"

"Hohohoho… That's what _you_ think!"

o

**Chills**

"At the very least, I should be mmmnnghhhgfgh—"

"Minamo-san?" says the date. "Is something wrong?"

"Oh, no," says Minamo, but she looks over her shoulder just in case. "I could have sworn I heard a familiar voice saying my name."

o

**Knights**

"So we're rescuin' Nyamo-chan from her evil brother," says Osaka. "So shouldn't Sakaki-san be here, too?"

"… I'm right here."

"As am I," Yomi says. "Kagura, too."

"Yeah," Osaka says. "You guys can be the infantry. But if you're the infantry, then where are your horses?"

o

**Metaphor**

"Horses?" Yomi says.

"Like in chess," says Osaka. "You move in—"

"No, no, no," Yomi says. "The cavalry rides on horses. Infantrymen are footmen."

"So you guys are like pawns, huh?" says Osaka. "Too bad."

o

**The Value of Existence**

"Hey, wait!" Tomo says. "Don't forget about me! What about me? What am I? The King? The General? The Elephant?"

"Nope," Osaka says, rubbing her chin. "Pawn."

"Whaaaaaaaaat."

"No," Yomi says from behind Osaka. "Pawn definitely fits you."

"I'm worth more than a pawn!"

"Hmm…" Osaka puts her hands to her head. "… Maybe you're the King?"

Tomo grins. And then she looks over to Yomi.

"I have no objections," Yomi says. "King suits you _perfectly_."

o

**Self-Perception**

"So what does that make you?" Tomo says

"One of the funny-movin' pieces, like a bishop, I guess. I can bless stuff, too."

o

**Knights**

"Sakaki-san would be a knight," Osaka says.

"… um…"

"Yeah!" says Kagura. "Me too!"

"No, no, no," says Osaka. "You'd be a iblack/i knight."

"… So I'm still a knight," says Kagura.

"But the kind in water. Like a submarine."

"I'm going to get some coffee," Yomi says.

o

**The Osaka's Inner Mind Theater, Part 3**

"Sakaki-san," Chiyo says, "you're so brave, coming to my rescue."

"It's nothing," Sakaki says, flipping her hair over her shoulder while she struggles to get into the saddle.

"Um, um, um… I want to thank you," Chiyo says. "By giving you my father's hand in marriage."

o

**Cell Block Tango**

"Yeah," Osaka says. "So don't go proposin' to anyone else, y'hear? Your wife might get mad at you."

"… Mad at me," Sakaki says.

"Marryin' someone's real serious, Sakaki-san!" Osaka says. "Unless you're marryin' to get divorced."

"…"

"Gotta be careful sometimes," Osaka says. "Someone just might murder you in your sleep, y'know?"

o

**Discovery**

"I knew there was something fishy about those noises!" Minamo shouts, storming over to where Tomo and Yukari are sitting in flowerpots.

"_COMPLETELY WRONG_!" Yukari yells, jumping out of the flowerpot and jabbing a finger at Minamo. "_We're_ playing chess while you go on your unintellectual gym teacher date! Take that, Nyam-"

Minamo punts an empty pot into Yukari's face.

o

**Drinking Together Alone at Home**

"He says that he doesn't like dating violent people," Minamo says, pouring herself another cup of vodka. "Geez…"

"Don't worry about it!" Yukari says. "We've already made it this far. We can be single together for life."

"That's exactly what bothers me!"

o

**Hypotheticals**

"I'm not even violent unless I'm with you!" Minamo says, jabbing the bottle at Yukari. "If I could have just one date without you showing up, then I'd be married by now!"

"Hah," Yukari says. "Like that'd ever happen."

They glower at each other for a while. Then Minamo drinks some more.

o

**Cycles**

"Hey, Yukari," Minamo says. "You ever feel like history just repeats itself?"

"Yup," Yukari says, rooting around for a bucket for Minamo to vomit in.

"Because—sometimes the kids—they're a lot like us, aren't they?" Minamo waves around the empty bottle of vodka, narrowly missing the wall and Yukari's head. "Like—the two of us, y'knoooow?"

"I'm Yomi, right?"

"Hell no!"

o

**Reasons Why**

"First off," Minamo says, "_I've_ always been the responsible one!"

"Hah!" Yukari says. "So says the drunkard!"

"Second of all, I only get drunk because you drive me to it!"

"So I'm like a rook, then?"

"Are you even listening to what I'm saying?"

o

**Evidence**

"Geeeeze," Minamo whines, collapsing onto the table. "I giiiive uuuup."

"There, there," Yukari says, reaching into her pocket. "I got the bucket handy."

"… That's a camera, isn't it?"

"Yup."

"For—"

"Blackmail," Yukari says, and snaps a picture.

o

**Someone You'd Like to Kill Someday**

"Sometimes, I wonder what my life would be like if I had never met you," Minamo moans.

"You would've dated a bunch of dumb guys," Yukari says, ticking the numbers off on her fingers. "And then you would've majored in classical literature and then you'd have a midlife crisis and come running into my arms anyway."

"… I bet I'd be married by now."

"Ah, who cares about stuff like that?" Yukari says. "If you were married, you wouldn't be drunk, either."

"If you hadn't crashed my date—"

"Hahahaha!"

"Damn it, Yukari!"

o

**Sleeping Arrangements**

After spending time yelling at each other and apologizing to the neighbors, Yukari and Minamo go to sleep.

Yukari, of course, takes Minamo's bed.

o

**The Morning After**

"Morningggg," Yukari groans, stumbling into the kitchen.

"Morning," Minamo says. "I made rice for breakfast."

Yukari squints at the food. Then she says, "This is a plot, isn't it?"

o

**What Doesn't Kill You**

"A plot for what?" Minamo asks.

"To kill me! When was the last time you made me breakfast?"

"Every time you stay the night at my apartment, that's when!"

"Oh," Yukari says, sitting down at the table. "Thank you for the meal, then."

o

**Nothing But The Truth**

"… Hey, Nyamo," Yukari says.

"Hmm?" Minamo says, elbow-deep in dishwater.

"We're adults, right? We have jobs and a place to live and food. Who needs guys? They'd just eat your food and make you wash all the dishes."

"That's exactly what's happening now!"

"Want me to help?"

"No."

"See? That's why it's better that—"

"Shut up," Minamo says. "Just. Shut up."

o

**Plans**

"I want better tasting rice for lunch," Yukari says. "Let's play with your Sega."

"Yukari…"

"Or you can sleep on your bed and I'll play the game."

"It was my bed to begin with, though."

They look at each other.

"Well, who cares, anyway," Minamo says.

"You said it," says Yukari, and crashes into the bed.


End file.
